So as many have known me, I have been suffering from years of depression, axinaty, voices in my head, suicidal thoughts and actions..I have been hurting myself for years on end with varias ways..from cutting to drowning..I have managed to attempt every way except to shoot myself or stab myself or slit my throat.
Anyways, what I mean to say is I had just gotten back from the hospital from attempt of suicide by overdosing myself. Then I was put into councillors and had to speak to councillors..I was assessed and assessed and assessed...I was sent to talk over and over how i was feeling and such. Then I decided one night that I would start to strangle myself.
Why? Because it wasnt as obvious as cutting was. See everyone would look at my arms to make sure I did not cut myself..I HAD to hurt myself and so after I had accendently wrapped a lining on a blanket around my neck, I decided that I would try to see how far I could strangle myself..if it was worth it. Oh boy did I ever love it.
I felt the immence woozy, dizzy, feeling overwhelm me. I would tighten (i used a shoelace) the shoelace around my neck, untill just about to pass out..then I would do it two more times..tightening, tightening, tightening, untill my eyes swarmed with blackness and i was barely able to move. I'd loosen it then i would go to sleep. My BFF in RL, ~AjTheAssasian found out what I wwas doing and told me I had to talk to my councellor, Jen. So I did..where she had to call her supervisor to see what needed to be done about this situation. They knew that I have suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempts and that I hurt myself. I was then told I had to go to the hospital. Was I happy about this? No! And so my mom came to the school and took me to the hospital. Where I was then assessed, yet again! and moved to a small room to talk to another councellor and doctor then after we had a disscussicion my mom said she could not trust me at home. I had to stay over at the hospital. I was sent to "secure room" whichj for those whom dont know what they are, it's a room with soft walls, a toilet and a camera that watches over the room. It has a speaker which the nurses can talk through and hear whats going on, you can talk to them as well. There was a bed in there with sheets and a pillow, i was changed into hospital pajamas and the door was shut (i could not open it from within.) I stayed in that room for  4 days, I went into a panic in that room and startyed to scratch myself, so now i hhave scars, i was given medication to calm me...lets just say the outcome of being in that room wasnt so swell, my pyscaratrist, Dr. Smith started me on Riddlin, short term which made me go insane for loud noises drove me crazy and shizz..he then put me on a long term Riddlin which is what I am on now. I was then moved up from the "Secure Room" to the Physc Ward, AKA "The Mental Health Program" where i was there for a week and a bit..I did fine, whichj is why I am here. I learned a few things and developed a few ways in which to help me, to be honest though, it doesnt always help.
My mind still is all fucked up inside but I'm making a recovery. I went to a CT scan and did an EEG scan, because I blank out for up to 30mins. I hear voices in my head and I have symtoms that aroused the doctors and nurses into thinking I was or am being abused. Which, no, I have been bullied by my grandma Olsen for as long as I can remember but it's ok because it's being dealt with. I have been touched by strangers and people close to me, which, if I ever meet any of you out there...I am incredibly flinchy and hate being touched. For reasons that are both unknown and known. I have a wild, flaring temper that bursts out and then disipates. I can't trust peoplke very well and I still think of myself as stupid, a failure and other bad things, however, I have been told for years and years, for as long as I can remember by the voices in my head that I'm just worthless. I mean, not all of them are nagative, there are positive and conversations that go through my head. Most times it is statci and whispers I hear, I know how to 'ignore' them...but that requires distractions, such as music >,< I still have thoughts to hurt myself, though I discovered that ICE is a miracle! and have been using ice, though I also discovered that scratching my skin off my arms is amazing as well =n=....
I am not as much of a wreck as I have been previously, as I am still working on helping my self to not be this wreck.
I must start being honset with myself and those around me. I take Riddilin to help me focus, because it is thought i have ADHD and i might even have a type of seziures, and I take Anti-Depression..
Well I'm done telling my news, I just want you to know I am alive, I am working on keeping myself alive and I'm here to do art and write, RP and other stuff!
I love you my DA family~ <3
Thank you everyone for your positive words and paitence. I really, really apreciate it more then anything! I love you all, and I'm so sorry for making you all worry and such....
Enjoy your days!
Mo